I am so afraid.

I am afraid of getting a job. Or, rather, the process of getting it. I’m afraid of interviewing. What’s my teaching philosophy? I wrote it down. It’s on paper. But do I mean it? How do I express it in a way that impresses the interviewer? I stick my foot in my mouth plenty of times.

If, for some weird act of a miracle, I actually GET a job? ALL that other stuff that comes with it? Scares the SHIT out of me. For example? The principal or other experienced person in authority coming in an observing me. SCARY. Being evaluated. SCARY. Having to turn in grades from state tests. SCARY.

It might seem as though I’m getting ahead of myself. Worrying about these things when I’m far from even having an INTERVIEW for a job. But it’s scary enough that makes me want to get a job somewhere else. Somewhere easy. Somewhere working as a secratary. Somewhere doing something that is easy and that doesn’t have responsibilities as big and spectacular as those that come with being a teacher.

So, bottom line? I don’t know what I’m doing.

I feel as though I’m going back to get my masters for no reason at all. Or rather, to take up time. To make my parents proud. To do SOMETHING. Something other than sitting on my ass all day. If subbing work was more common, more every-day… then maybe I could just do that all the time. It’d be so much easier. No having to worry about lesson plans and all the other crap that comes teaching full time.

Or am I just scared because I’ve never done anything full-time before and am freaking out about growing up? About doing something with my life.

This goes back to the whole being in limbo thing. How can I do anything when I have no idea what I’m doing.

Okay, I’ll cough it up. I’m watching the new movie on CBS, “Front of the Class”. Look it up for details, but it’s basically about a kid who had Tourette’s Syndrome and as an adult he wanted to be a teacher, and his struggle to get the job, etc. I’m seeing all the hard work he put in to getting the job… and I feel as though I barely put in any effort. But am I just trying to be down on myself? Since the movie is, after all, a movie? Plus he did go to over 20 schools. How about the fact that there are no jobs? Because there aren’t. The economy sucks (as if you didn’t know that). California is hurting bad, and it’s trickling down to the LAUSD. WHICH is where I need to get a job. Jobs are non-existant, not just far and few between. There are NONE.

So… I don’t know.