I almost just didn’t post today.

I woke up after a lack of sleep. I tossed and turned all night and it plain sucked! PLUS I could barely breathe. PLUS I developed allergies all day. Sneeze after loving sneeze.

Luckily work was good, I didn’t stress out, and the kids were nice. Plans were well laid out and I didn’t have any difficulty.

I’ve scanned nearly 250 pictures thus far, and am currently scanning more.

I took two benedryl to try and make these allergies go away and therefore I am getting quite sleepy.

I can’t drink ANYTHING after 12am. Or eat, of course. But then at 10:15 or so I get to get put to sleep and.. ahh! So beautiful sleep truly is. Then I wake up, get taken home, and get to pass out! I remember during my last operations I laid on the couch and drank milkshakes. Mmm. No solids! I love it! But, of course, there will be pain. BUT then, of course, there will be drugs!

I started reading a book about Jesus to Nikki (a new easy kid-book from Borders) and then asked my dad to give me a history/religious oral history. So we sat on the couch and he started from the beginning and we got to talking about how he used to take me to Sunday School when I was little, and blah. So he mentioned that he wanted to go to Church on Christmas, and I told him I’d go with him. Now, let me tell you how we’ll be at my sister’s house and she is athiest/agnostic and deplores religion. It will be interesting. BUT then I mentioned about going here, more often, and he agreed. So we will start going to a Methodist church which is near our house. It’ll be a nice experience, I think.

Our cable is out, so no TV for me at the moment. BUT I’ll watch TV online and that’ll fix that problem for the moment.

Wish me luck tomorrow!

Even with my doubts and misgivings about what I’m doing. There is one nice thing that sometimes comes up.

I got a call to sub tomorrow from a teacher at my old work, Haskell. She had called and left a messege and I called her back saying I could sub Thursday and Friday. Then I remembered my dentist appoint and called back to let her know I could only do Thursday. I told her that if she didn’t want to call me for just one day and instead get another person who could do both days.

Well, yesterday? She calls me to confirm Thursday telling me that: “I’d rather have someone good for one day, than someone bad for two days.”

Total compliment. She said I’m a good teacher! Awesome! I am so happy. That really makes me feel good!

I am so afraid.

I am afraid of getting a job. Or, rather, the process of getting it. I’m afraid of interviewing. What’s my teaching philosophy? I wrote it down. It’s on paper. But do I mean it? How do I express it in a way that impresses the interviewer? I stick my foot in my mouth plenty of times.

If, for some weird act of a miracle, I actually GET a job? ALL that other stuff that comes with it? Scares the SHIT out of me. For example? The principal or other experienced person in authority coming in an observing me. SCARY. Being evaluated. SCARY. Having to turn in grades from state tests. SCARY.

It might seem as though I’m getting ahead of myself. Worrying about these things when I’m far from even having an INTERVIEW for a job. But it’s scary enough that makes me want to get a job somewhere else. Somewhere easy. Somewhere working as a secratary. Somewhere doing something that is easy and that doesn’t have responsibilities as big and spectacular as those that come with being a teacher.

So, bottom line? I don’t know what I’m doing.

I feel as though I’m going back to get my masters for no reason at all. Or rather, to take up time. To make my parents proud. To do SOMETHING. Something other than sitting on my ass all day. If subbing work was more common, more every-day… then maybe I could just do that all the time. It’d be so much easier. No having to worry about lesson plans and all the other crap that comes teaching full time.

Or am I just scared because I’ve never done anything full-time before and am freaking out about growing up? About doing something with my life.

This goes back to the whole being in limbo thing. How can I do anything when I have no idea what I’m doing.

Okay, I’ll cough it up. I’m watching the new movie on CBS, “Front of the Class”. Look it up for details, but it’s basically about a kid who had Tourette’s Syndrome and as an adult he wanted to be a teacher, and his struggle to get the job, etc. I’m seeing all the hard work he put in to getting the job… and I feel as though I barely put in any effort. But am I just trying to be down on myself? Since the movie is, after all, a movie? Plus he did go to over 20 schools. How about the fact that there are no jobs? Because there aren’t. The economy sucks (as if you didn’t know that). California is hurting bad, and it’s trickling down to the LAUSD. WHICH is where I need to get a job. Jobs are non-existant, not just far and few between. There are NONE.

So… I don’t know.

Pay day was November 5th. I have yet to be paid. 20 days later. I found out 5 days ago that they didn’t even issue me a paycheck. But that got straightened out and I should have a check in the next few days. Hopefully.

In the meantime, still not a lot of work. I worked 2 days last week, and tomorrow I’m working 3 hours at Lim school. Covering IEPs. These are generally easy because I don’t have to do anything – just supervise. I don’t have to be there until 11am, so that’s nice. But it also means only 3 hours of pay.

But I’ll be okay, for now. Hopefully I can get a full time job sometime soon.

(Cross-Posted in And So Life Begins…)

More significantly… I’ve been feeling as though I’m in limbo. Work, no work, work, no work. Never knowing exactly what my schedule will be like. Well, it sucks, basically. But I came to the realization today that, well, this is my life right now. There isn’t much I can do about it right now. That just means I need to get used to living life as it comes. It’s nice, because I have days where I don’t have to get up early or dress up or go anywhere… but it’s quite boring, too. I’d LIKE to go out and work, make money. I have 3 days booked in the next 2 months. Not good. I need about 15 more days to be happy.

That said, I think doing Substituting is a good experience. It gives me a bit of many classes and that will help me in having my own classroom some day. I need to start making good notes of what I like in each classroom. I need to look at the different aspects of the classroom and take a bit from it.

It’s a bit scary, though. I won’t make the 100 days/600 hours needed in order to get health care next year. So I won’t have health insurance that way. So I might be facing a lack of health care for a year. That would not be good, but there isn’t much I can do about it. I can get a job, hopefully. The other option would be for me to MOVE somewhere and get a FULL time job. Somewhere. Where? Maybe up north. A job. With benefits.

Alas, one step at a time must be taken.

I submitted my application for Grad School. Now it’s waiting to get the results and then take the GRE. Woo.

Tomorrow and Friday are going to be big subbing days for me, emotionally.

I will be subbing at Haskell, my old work… for the teacher I worked with for 3 years. We got along REALLY well. She came to my college graduation, dinner AND ceremony! My dad didn’t. So although I don’t expect it to be “hard” or anything of the sort, it will definitely be interesting. I will definitely want to get everything she leaves done, and do my best by her class. She was my first mentor and the one I learned most from. I respect her very much.

That said, she’s not the most organized teacher out there, and so it might be interesting – as far as what she leaves for me. Hopefully there will be enough for me to do. Just in case I’m taking a couple of Halloween books, but that’s about it. I think it should be fine.

I got a call today from L school asking if I was open tomorrow – but alas, no. Which is good for me, but damn if I couldn’t be at both schools at once.

I’ll also be passing out my cards at Haskell. I passed out some shitty home made ones last week, but these are the better ones. I just wish I had written that I speak Spanish on them.

We’ll see how it goes and if I update tomorrow!